Shadowfall

(Penned in silence on Christmas Eve after the death of his firstborn son, Jeremy, aged 8)

The gnarled old floor creaks ominously underfoot
As my broken spirit plummets,
Spiralling hopelessly downward
To where the shattered picture lies,
Framed amidst glittering blood-drenched shards;
Gritty, gut-crunching splinters
Stinging my cold, bare feet.

I try once again and....

I've lost my smile forever now
And know not where it went.
Stripped so unkindly away
With such dry-sobbing sadness:
Tear-drenched, bitter-sweet memories
Ring endlessly throughout this darkness
That was me.

I try once again and....

Oh once I was so young and rich and proud,
Sparkling brightly under time's slow rich burden,
Wanting so much to grow up faster
That I guess I finally did.
But life's flown by so quickly now
That its caught me up at last,
And for the life of me....I cannot hold this back!

I try once again and....

Mind-Shadows rise and fall....mocking me
With such wry grave good-humour
As life unwinds inside my tortured mind;
Flashing full of strangely familiar faces.
I look up, gasping....gagging and scared;
Stringy saliva trickling slowly down the barrel,
As I cling tightly to my sad little spark.

I try once again and....

I want all my days over again...so very much.
Oh to be a child once more
With brimming bubbly heart
In a world full of bright-eyed delights;
Chasing butterflies all my sunny days through,
Watching the waters sweetly flowing
Under all my life's bridges once more.

I try once again and....

So much have I missed!
So much have I wasted!
So much have I lost!
So little have I done.

What was it like to sit on Dad's lap?
What did he feel like way back then?
I can remember his smell, his voice, his strength.
But can I remember all of him?
Will he still love me?
Will he forgive me?
Will I ever know now?

What was it like to sit on Mum's lap?
What did she feel like way back then?
I can remember her smell, her voice, her warmth.
But can I remember all of her?
Will she still love me?
Will she forgive me?
Will I ever know now?

But Suicide....is....Forever!

And I feel so very sad and lonely now,
So cold and small and tired and utterly alone.
My mind vomiting gaping black shadows
As the tangy taste of tear-drenched steel
Fills my trembling mouth once more.

I try once again, and....

Maybe this time I can really, really do it,
And send my sad little spark shooting out;
Flying far, far away into that big dark night out there.
And oh my dear God...please...have mercy,
For I cannot stand this pain!

I try once again, and....

....brief candle....OUT!

The trembling floor begins its grisly red-grey feast
As the mindless dance begins:
With just a quiet drumming of heels
In some God-forsaken nightmare
As some mother's child gives in.

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