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Beginnings

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It is so late right now but I am not asleep. I am instead awake in the dark, silent.

Dark, I suppose, isn't the correct term. Warm glow of the computer monitor with flickering light? Yes; That.

I struggle with not being on the job immensely. I derive a great sense of worth from the job I do and not being a participant has made it hard on me. One of the great worries I have is my insecurity and loss of money to provide. We all work hard for our money, but not me. Not anymore. I've been put of indefinite leave pending my return to wellness.

I am part of a union which has provisions to pay me the money I am normally getting and I can hear you now: "That's fucking great!" and it is.... It is, but; It is complicated. My wife, I love her dearly, forgive me my lovely angel. My wife is not happy. How could she be when her husband is around more often, doing chores and watching the kids more often. Making meals and getting her gifts more often. Making an effort to take her for lunch more often. Just being my normal self without stress more often. Simply getting well!

This does not make my wife happy. IN FACT, it makes her upset. "I wish I had your time!" "I wish I could be off work." "If I had your time I would do..." "What do you get up to in a day?"

Perish the thought I use the day to journal or meditate to balance my fragile mental state. If the chores aren't done or I've missed some detail or errand I was supposed to do, it all comes back to you're off work. As if I still don't LITERALLY DOUBLE what she brings in while being off.

I love her. I do. I know she loves me, but she is BURNT OUT. She works in social service and sees a very harsh demographic of people on a regular basis. Coming home to deal with a mentally ill husband isn't the best dynamic, which I am understanding of.... HOWEVER:

I am sick to fuck about the bullshit and the emotional steam rolling. I'm not so naïve as to think that everything which raises my ire she says is a manifestation of my illness. I can take things the wrong way you see, I overreact to normal situations. A fine example is the reason I am off work.

I threw a pen which had died on me instead of placing it in the trash and getting a different one. I am not joking. My company has decided that putting me off work was the best choice after combined with this someone read my personal journal and through that invasion, I was put off.

Also complicated, so her I am. I digress. Enough about my history. I feel it rules too much of my time. Back to this drama with my lovebug. She herself has her own issues with burnout. It makes climbing out of illness like trying to get out of a bucket of crabs. She just keeps dragging me down. I am staying with her. We have two kids who are important to me and she is their mother. I'm not going to compromise our life out of some misguided sense of hurt.

Naturally, as one does, I purchased a tarot deck to inform my choices better.

NOW TO THE GOOD STUFF

I read the booklet; a charming little bit of literature, which summed up the practice of using it well enough for me to meet my deck. I took some time shuffling it and introducing myself. I asked nothing at first and let it consider for a few hours after that.

When the fascination took me again I ask it about me and draw the Emperor.

The book gave me a bit of a description which, whether fate or skill would have it, I identified with to a degree.

After a nap, since this medication and early mornings are great for morning naps while the kids are at Nana's until …. Today I guess. After I draw another but this time for a new/old friend. I knew him in the past and stopped being around because of money issues between us. We recently reconnected and it was nice. The card I drew was the Fool. New beginnings?

NOW FOR THE REAL TENDER BIT.

I'm sitting in my room, medicated, close to sleep. I think of my wife and while she is in the shower I ask what she means in my life. I draw the Star, 'a lovely card' it says.

She comes out of the shower crying about dying and leaving us and how great things are and so forth. I see the connection but more: I noticed my willingness to LISTEN because I had just done the reading and I didn't interject at all. I gave her the space to process her thought out loud and it was SO MUCH BETTER.

Those are the only three cards I have drawn so far.

I am going to do it more. I feel there is something to it.

Okay, good morning to everyone.

IA56
Adam "chmuroN" Banasiak

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