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Beginnings

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I've got a little crush on my neighbour, we were chatting after I dropped off our kids at the bus stop. Technically her sister's kid, but we've met before. Normally we don't chat too much, but we hit it off about books and she has written a children's book and a colouring book. I was so interested and we both hit it off so well. Lately I've been so starved for attention, with my recent bout of Covid-19 isolation and then the kids going to my mother's for a few days... I've been so caught up with nothing and everything.

We just had some coffee and chatted until around lunch!


As always I'm sure I overstayed my welcome. It is hard to really know where things are when it comes to people pleasers. I am one myself, and I tend to have a recognition of those 'no without being a no' statements. So I understand better than most.


She and I are similar and getting just a thimble of positive attention has upset my delicate emotional balance. It bothers me on a lot of different levels since it involves my kids, my wife and now someone we both know.


I talked with my wife about it and even cried about it. You see, I don't have any friends because of my anxious distress disorder. I have gradually pruned all friendships out of my life, now whenever someone finds their way into that area of trust I am completely vulnerable.


I don't want to overgeneralize, but it feels like each time this has ever happened I experience a monstrous trauma.

It happened at the first hospital I went to isolation. Second time, different hospital it was removal from program. Third it was ejection from facility.


Now I am home. Dealing on my own. WHAT DOES IT MEAN NOW? Am I getting ejected from my home? I'm already sleeping in the basement. When can things get back to normal?

What is normal?

I honestly do not know how I can persist when my morality stands firmly in the way of being happy now. I'm far too loyal and dedicated to ever choose to hamstring my wife. It just doesn't exist in my character. Lessons from a foolish adolescent boy are proof of that.

Still. I NEED a friend. She's off work too. We share the same interests. It's such an outrageous recipe for disaster. I have no idea what I am going to do.

Do I confront my fear and try to make a new friend? Do I tighten my belt and continue down the path of my illness in some morally bleached attempt to prove to myself I'm a loyal husband who respects his wedding vows and his chosen place in this world as husband and provider.


After all: A man can't be friends with a woman! One man, and one woman, becoming friends? It seems, unless that woman or man is not the hetero-type, that this leads to a single eventuality. Even if it doesn't society has the expectation it does. People can't help but talk and make assumptions.

Why couldn't she have been a lesbian! Do you know how cool lesbians are? Of all the social non-conformers, they are the best. It just so happens I'm the right type of tall muscular, somewhat fat and unassuming, mildly effeminate man who is universally loved by lesbians.

You'll never have a more fun time that being the only man out with a few lesbians. Think hard about why that is: They have boundaries. They exercise those boundaries probably daily.


I wish I had the ability to project my boundaries like a lesbian.


Still, what now? Do I remain at home? Just do my regular thing and let this opportunity go further by? Do I strike while the iron is hot? I don't know.


Morally speaking, I should not, at 41 years old, put myself in a private situation with a 35 year old woman who isn't my wife. I told her about it yesterday in the evening when she got home and we talked openly about all this. I am a very honest person. I'm not stupid either.


My wife and I are on the outs lately. We haven't had sex since I don't know when and I doubt we will anytime soon.


As innocent as this might be now and as harmless and even uplifting it seems to make a new friend, I have terrible reservations from both my illness, my inner dialog and a myriad of other I don't even know what's. Good feelings, bad feelings. It is just too hard to tell.


I made a commitment to my wife and even though we are having extraordinarily hard times, I don't want to be accused of cheating, emotionally or physically. That just isn't true and I don't even want there to be a shred of doubt.


So I guess I don't make a new friend.... Damn. I could have really used that win. Feels bad man. It feels like not the right thing at all.

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