Beginnings

I got a communication from a  lawyer my wife retained to sort the separation; It was fine though. I just responded with my honest thoughts and I leave it to her to sort things out. I'm not going to create an issue or make her give up the house. I can't imagine what else is going to happen, but whatever conflict comes up from this isn't going to be of my making. I mean, giving her the house is a pretty big deal. I can't imagine what else I could possibly offer than that!

She might ask for some manner of support but in all seriousness, being rid of her is worth whatever she demands. It doesn't even bother me at this point. I've set down the emotional and mental burdens I was holding about it and I've finally relaxed. I feel open and unfettered; my spirit is free from contamination and that is what matters to me.

Moving forward in my life, I feel like its already behind me and whatever comes now is just already managed. There isn't anything which can upset me about it. I feel really liberated to know that things are moving along however; it feels good to have that sort of grace in my life.

Maybe its the time I've had, or perhaps the meditations I've put myself through, but I'm feeling uplifted for the first time in a long time. I can't help but want to share a little more and put myself out there a little more. I'm hopeful I don't get harmed, but exposing my vulnerabilities and standing up to those sources which try to attack it is more empowering than all the wound licking and defensiveness I used to use to cope with that toxic environment.

I can't help but be thankful for those years and the way things finally ended. It all seems so far away now, but it pushed me to a place where the lesson I was learning really sank deep. It cut me so hard I literally scarred my own flesh with it. I'm certain that the changes experienced in the past few years have forged me into a something far more than I was before going through it. Even with court dates still pending and forms to be signed, I can't help but be somehow thankful for it all. I've moved myself to a place of forgiveness and extended myself to love in ways I never considered possible. I've allowed people I know to really see me and I've trusted in a manner that seemed alien; foreign.

I can't deny the results and the feelings of joy I've had over the past few days. I can hear the universe, through the actions of the nature around me and the words of others who have chosen to inject my life with attention and worthiness. It makes me almost feel smug in the face of possible jail time and financial ruin. I know that there is someone out there who is yearning to connect and in spite of conventions and expectations, I'll see them one day. I thought at one time I knew what love was, but I realize this wasn't real love. It wasn't like the love of self I'm able to bring forward now; It was a shadow of love. Like the hand pointing to the moon, my thoughts of love and inclusion were fixed on the hand alone, missing out on all that heavenly glory.

Enough musings; Tomorrow is my new court date for the assault charge. I'll face it with equanimity and acceptance, besides, its going to be a continuance since I've yet to receive any disclosure papers. Either that or they lock me away; which honestly would be just fine with me. A little more time for self reflection, if in a slightly less natural settings… it makes no difference.

I know the worth I carry within me and I have the approval of a few close people who really matter to me and I have honest and sincere appreciation for. I've got some budding and beautiful friendships with people who make my heart flutter and who make my eyes tear up in anticipation and joy. I can't describe accurately, the electricity which shoots through me when I get a correspondence from or see the face of these special people. The energy feels almost like anxiety but with an aversion to all the negativity that would bring, like a magnet or a lightning rod is drawing me to them.

Just typing about it makes me shake, and the idea that one day I may enjoy the shade of a tall oak on a hot day, the protection of wind and rain; all from these adored and cared for friendships. I can imagine how lovely that would be and how worthwhile the time spent creating a reality where that can be real would be. All the trappings of my past have fallen away and I can see a future of such profoundness; such interconnectedness. I couldn't possibly be disappointed, even if it all fell away too, because it feels so real right now. Even if that vulnerable tree were to be swept away, I know a patch of bare soil would still be there for the planting of another and still another after that.

I'm done being afraid and living with limits in my own mind. Inside I feel free. I am free and the choices are all mine.

I wish everyone in the world could feel as I do now, unattached, and yet so thankful for each piece of life. Collect your fragments and allow them to fall into the crucible to be forged once again new. If they shatter and break again, once more apply them to the fires and let them be new again. There is no limit to how many times you can break and be remade, for the truth is that you are unbreakable, and you have been whole the entire time.

Wherever you are, I love you too. I wish you the best of days today. Do something special for number one. You deserve it.