This morning I spent some time with my dad and we chatted about various things. I just had my breakfast and found a foothold of conversation with some pamphlets which he had on the table. We talked for a time about managed forests and also politics. It was nice to chat with him since normally he is a big quiet about things unless he is telling a story or a plan to someone.
I was up early enough to watch the sun rise. As always, it was nice. I enjoyed watching it and feel better for it. If one day it doesn’t rise, I hope to see that too.
I've got an appointment today with a doctor of mine, I hope to organize a return to work. I have been having such a hard time getting paperwork filed from my doctor that I just cannot wait anymore. Getting back to work is going to be healthy for me. I need the assistance of this other doctor because the one covering my care is just taking a really long time with the paperwork and I am starting to get worried about my cashflow. I'm not a greedy person, but my obligations are starting to get spread thin a bit here.
I don't want to be caught out with no recourse but to take a loan, certainly not when I am perfectly capable of doing work. This entire situation has just gone totally out of control. I seriously home that I can get this train back on the rails. It just makes such little sense to me. I feel so sidelined and it really sucks.
In my life I am determined to make good choices, but the efforts needed for it are extreme at times. I cannot allow these feelings to creep into my thoughts lest defeat become the only result. Minding our thoughts and controlling our feelings is the biggest challenge of all. I cannot abide the easy place and the singular pitfalls which most of the time catch me. I've been around this carnival ride before and there is no joy in it for me.
Taking the time to get my workplace self back in order is an important aspect. I am able to do more than I think, I know it. My limits are no limits. My time is now. Doing the best I am able to do will propel other areas of my life into excellence. I just need to do this one thing. This one tiny thing and I will get myself going in all the other places.
The rot of not doing has spread to the other areas of my life, I see that. Not working has ruined other aspects of my life and it has become a great and sinister organism which needs uprooting. I am uncertain how long it will take, or if my other doctor is going to agree with the assessment. It is all very much a question I ask internally. Do I deserve this? I say yes. I say I choose to work and be available for my own life. I need to be and get myself to be, better. I think the suffering of life can be mitigated by the purpose we prescribe to it. I know that pushing through these bad times is the correct option. On the other side of the issues is going to be a sweet return on the efforts and the purpose of my life will shine so bright that it will propel all the other aspects of life into the light.
Taking the time to assess and truly feel each moment of my existence is the true reason to be. Observe and take into account all the assumptions and all the dithering we do. Consider that these moments of unawareness sculpt and shape the other moments of our lives. See that the unconscious aspects of our reality still occurred. Take it within yourself that every yesterday created your today and that moving your life into a deeper state of acceptance is the actual real path to enlightenment.
Move past all the feelings, those very human feelings, move past the thought, those grasping and ephemeral thoughts, push into the unknown and the silent. Push yourself into the quietude of this exact time and recognize there is no time at all. This is what the great teachers and meditator of our history expound. We're told that between our thoughts and within the silent moments of nothing there is a beautiful landscape of deeper colors and meaning than we can possibly imagine. In this timeless space we are allowed to exist exactly as we are without judgement and pain. We can simply be as we are. If it happens to be a painful existence, it does not feel that way in this timeless space, there is now such thing as suffering without time.
