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Beginnings

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My wife and I are at odds again. Today it was a broken cupboard and a party on the weekend. It becomes really difficult to manage my inner feelings when she presses my hot buttons.


I try not to let it bother me too much, but it makes me upset when she presses on these issues and attempts to circumnavigate some kind of result out of me.


The habit has now become so pronounced that she has been funnelling her energy into not getting done or ready for what she wants now at all, she just whittles at me to do it.


I'm certain I'm not without blame here; I have my share of whatever clash we get into. I've just been noticing that my own responses, are different. It feels like I'm less interested in fighting about things at all. Verbally.


I just feel so indignant that it isn't something I want to explore. I would much rather not respond to or experience whatever it is she is leveraging trying to get me to do what she wants.


I can't help but think about how I was managed as a child, yelled at and struck about. I know trust can produce the same result. So now I find myself in the dangerous waters of the unknown.


Can I imagine a way through my problems with my family to come out whole, or do the sins of the father repeat again? I might not be so wicked, but I do hope she can get onboard sooner than later.


I got her some 'middle aged lady drugs' I'm sure that is the technical name. I am really hoping they work. Before I get accused of secretly drugging my wife; hear me out: I can't live with her, and I can't kill her. So my options are to facilitate happiness for her.


Stage one includes new diet and hormone balancing vitamins. Being off work, that gives me control of the evening menu, so I'm in.


Stage two involves an exercise routine, which I already got a jump on with a ladies kick fit class on the weekend. She's complaining about it already and she's only done one class, so it might be too early to tell...


I digress, I love this woman, but she drives me fucking insane. Honest to god. So, for the good of the entire universe, I'm spiking this woman's food with vitamins. I'm gonna serve her good food and take care of her and rub her feet and encourage her to move her body more and maybe I'll make the world a better place where she isn't so bitter all the time.


Why is this my job? IT ISN'T. It's either this or 1950's her in the face, which feels ugly to me somehow. In the context of a class of martial arts students, laying hands on is fine for training, but I always felt the use of violence for an end, really results in short term gains only. Survival, short term is great, but if our timelines are infinite then maybe a long game is the better choice.


MY POINT: Is that when she asks me to do something and I nod and smile and she rolls her eyes and says "Could you just say yes?" Instead of slapping her across the face for saying something 'out of turn' maybe instead recognize that she has her own needs and requires some care of her own. If she is acting a way, it is because she feels a way.


All of this doesn't need to be deconstructed. It just means the message isn't always what is being said, sometimes it is how it is being said. The medium and the message get reversed. We take things too personally.

Go have a nice sit for yourself now. You deserve it.

IA56

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We all need to begin somewhere. I like to think that since w...

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