Beginnings

Still no word on the courthouse disposition; I had imagined it being available to me but it appears that I'll be waiting a little more. I'm not certain of what it will have inside of it. Are they going to ask me to have a stay in jail? Am I going to be maneuvered into community service? I just don't know.

Somehow not knowing is worse than knowing; It seems like this is a regular thing in my life. Having the unknown hang over me for an extended period of time. It is not my favorite aspect to deal with; I question the occurrence of it in my life. Why is it that it comes up again and again. Haven't I learned enough of this? Am I not patient enough? Don't I express correctly, the feelings which all people do when put in situations like mine? How am I supposed to be different?

I don't really understand, so maybe that is the point of the delay. Not knowing is the purpose. In its own completeness, the feeling of the unknown and the dramatic effect it will have on my life. That is the point. Surrender and detachment from the future. Letting go of caring and being satisfied with my journey as it is now.

So what sort of emotional overloading am I supposed to manage here? Is there some manner of learned helplessness I'm supposed to push through? I'm not even certain; What symbolism am I facing down? Are all my coping mechanisms are in play here? Do I need some outside authority to manage it for me? I just don't know what the whole issue is. The entire circumstance is really bothersome to me, but in reality I recognize it all means nothing.

I suppose this is all simply a silly thing; I recognize the seriousness but I can't bring myself to really care much. I suppose the lesson is going to become clear later on. I should not worry too much about it, instead just let it be. I suppose there is nothing to be done. If I am to be led towards a certain outcome, then what more is there to do than maintain my equanimity? I'll adopt a passive response to things and deal with my future when it comes to me. Still, I wonder if there is something I can do to affect the outcome. Meditations and working on myself seem the only avenue, but it still resonates as useless to a huge degree. I cannot let myself fall to ruin, but at the same time I just can't allow myself to become this empty shallow version either.

I try to moderate my feelings by simply existing in a humble state. I can easily accept my lot and pass on with silence when it is done. I am unsure if there is anything else to push towards. I don't get to see my children for so long, that the prospect of seeing them now has lost its flavour. I just don't care anymore; It doesn't make me happy, but instead fills me with shallow dread. I don't even want to be bothered by it. My new routine doesn't involve them and I just don't have a real depth of feeling anymore, after containing myself for so long and being medicated for so long.

It feels like I should care. Rather I think I should care. I don't know. All this emotional turmoil is caught up with my displacement and new medications and worries. I just don't have a real desire to manage it or change it. I really feel like my circumstance is nothing but trash and refurbished shit, which isn't true at all. I'm quite comfortable and I'm really doing very well; but my living situation has depreciated into something less than personally satisfying.

With a separation imminent, a return to work in an unfamiliar spot, gaining weight, pervasive sadness, it all adds up to a real eviscerating situation. I can't even go to the gym as much as I want because I'm so far from town it makes the drive prohibitive. I am just a sad person it seems; Doing worse by the day. Keeping it all inside because if I express it then I burden others. I can't tell my mother, she already worries. My dad has his own issues, and bothering him doesn't result in a gain of happiness, but instead another critical eye on my failings.

Yes, things are getting gradually worse and my mood is spiralling down in a very oblique way. I wonder if my life is going to have any meaning at all. Whatever is supposed to happen I wish it could simply happen and I could move on. It feels like I'm dying over and over again. Returning only to be killed and pushed under yet another time. I feel like I am dying and nobody but me is aware. I am forbidden from sharing and expressing things as they affect me. I need to hold it all inside until I explode. As I have tried, my best it always tending towards the darker aspects. I want to let them go; be done with the sabotage and personal hurt. The anger.

It always comes back to me. It always brings me fresh pain. I can let it bother me or I can let it go. If I let it bother me then I feel pent up, if I let it go I feel listless and without power. Is being heavily medicated the only way I can get through this? Should I be forced to my bed to sleep my life away? Is this my lot? I know I have been happy. I know I can be happy again. I should think on the solutions. Think about the perfection and the solutions which are available to me. I can have everything I want in my life if only I press towards them. I want to immerse my essence in the goodness of life and let it wash me clean.

Running a rut in my mind and having the results lead me into unrealized potential; being a looser and having it all taken away. Is this what I have waiting for me? Is this the fate I have in store? It all seems so contrived. Sometimes the depression is too heavy to bear.