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My parents are about to leave for Sudbury; my father has an appointment with his destiny. I 'm just grateful that I got to see them off and now I'm here. I guess the truth is that with them gone and my father getting his surgery done, that my life is just as chaotic and wound up as it ever was.


At least my thoughts are calm and I'm even a little sleepy. I've been put on some new medicine since the assault; It really rocks me and makes me tired. I haven't even moved myself to the full dose yet, still just coming onto using half my intended dose. I find it comical that I'm the one who is needing to take all these medicines. I feel very keenly the injustice of it all.


I have always been aware of unfairness and it strikes me hard because nothing but my own judgement really leaves an impression. That is to say, that I know my sense of justice and the offense I feel at these circumstances is all contrived and within my own head. I recognize very clearly that my suffering and obsessive thoughts are the source of my unhappiness. As soon as I put them aside my unhappiness drips away like sand from an hour glass.


Unhappiness simply can't survive or exist when it is cast through the needle of awareness and presence. It can't co-exist with suffering and personal identification. Awareness is stronger and will beat it back every time. So how do we remain aware and move past these anxieties and worries? This is the ultimate reason and purpose.


We must push past the discomfort of our own situations and provide true awareness for our suffering to be wilted away. It can be robotic at first, writing down the thoughts, sitting with them and recognising the nature they give us. Breaking away from the cycle of feeding the negativity within us, the identification of ourselves with a particular way of thinking or being or existing. Instead when we bring a deeper awareness to bear, then the ego will release the negativity and can be programmed to display other traits automatically, instead of feeling emotions and experiencing thoughts which don't serve us.


Within the scope of living, our lives can be sculpted and manicured to be beautiful and resonate on a frequency which attracts us the people we need, the interactions we need, for our personal betterment. If we maintain a state of grace where we are able and we give an honest reconning of our situation, we will find that these circumstances alter themselves for the better. The internal suffering of what is real comes full circle to be seen simply as false and created from within our own thoughts.


Take solace in knowing that each minute of awareness is a bit of practice which we all need to put aside the childish reasonings of our mind and move towards acceptance and love. The gratitude which moves through you is the indicator you seek. Notice how it cleans you off and washes away the negativity from the inside out. It brings you decent and happy connections in your life. It makes you sense and feel love. It increases your sensitivity and it flexes the ability you have to even more awareness.


I'm quite tired right now. This new medicine is supposed to have a calming effect but it is crashing me so hard I can barely keep my eyes open! I recognize the need for me however, my brain is so quiet compared to my usual chattering. I'm hardly thinking at all right now. I'm scarcely aware at all of what I'm even writing, and I hardly care to even reread it. Its like I recognize the unimportance of it all. I know what I'm saying here isn't reaching a really wide audience, but somehow the act of writing it is enough for me.


If it were to reach a really wide audience I'm uncertain I'd even care; by the time I'm finished with it I'd need to reread it all anyways to even grasp the concepts I was trying to talk about. Any deep response would be me simply going over what I'd already written just to understand the question! Alas, I suppose that is the nature of time and moving forward too. If we cling to the past and we hold onto what we have done, our deed and whatever we consider our own, if will not be long before there is no room for anything new.


It does make me wonder if there will come a time where my own writings reverse themselves and I find something I've penned in the past with a complete opposite nature to what I write now. The question is real, and the result can be just as real. I am not sure how I would feel about that. Hypocritical maybe? Perhaps I might choose to feel glad I'd changed, presuming it was for the better. I sense that might call upon a judgement, which might not be healthy. Isn't it what we are supposed to feel? Normal human activity involves judgement and responsibility; I wonder if our own mind keeps a similar form of accounting.


I'm becoming so tired that I wonder if I'm even writing anymore. Is this just rambling and incoherent? Is there any pearl or nugget within my words for someone to see, or have I passed the Rubicon? Am I just fleecing myself with the idea of writing to use my time? Should I be taking a nap? Is this a good use of my time? You see the questioning, the mind strives and reaches for meaning when no meaning is enough. We create our own story and sometimes it isn't what we intended; it can be seen from so many ways.


I wish I had a true direction; Anything is better than this. This is perfectly fine, but my mind is trying to make me feel bad for doing it. My mind tells me I am wasting time, but that isn't true is it? I'm using my time to write on my computer. I could be doing a great number of other things with less value. Would those things be any less than this? It takes time to do everything we do in our small lives, so it stands that each of those things are worthwhile.


Is making this post going to add a net positive to the world, or will it be negative? I suppose that only is in the eyes of the beholder. You see my words and you take the time to consider them. Does that make you the arbiter of my ultimate worth, or is the fact I wrote these words at all the ultimate reason? I can't say if the message or the medium is more important. Is it that I've written something, or is it that I choose to use a forum when people might see the words?


I could be writing this in my journals, for nobody but me, yet here it is within and electronic package, ready to consume, ready to be seen. Yet, for what purpose? What do I hope to gain? What do I stand to loose? Why does it all mean? I know that I feel grounded and connected to this life on a deeper level when I write things about my life and thoughts ; my feelings are complex and deep so writing about them brings them to life for me. It can't be worthless because I've done it.


Every step we take in this world is important, even the ones we forget. It all leads to something greater than our little selves. It services a greater self than we realize. It serve a community and it give real connection to those out there who have need. Being open and receptive is a great gift. Letting others share in your life is important. Be happy and grateful because the alternative is a few degrees off of contentment; you'll instead find resentment and contempt. So shape it up and make it up if you need to. Do your absolute best today.



We all need to begin somewhere. I like to think that since w...


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