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Beginnings

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Another early morning; I thought I'd have gotten past it but my rest was bothered a few times by a slap from my child, who had crawled into my bed beside my wife and I.

I knew I should have slept on the cot. My wife and I had another fight yesterday. When I say fight I of course mean her getting pissed at me instead of the kids. I interject myself between them now because she doesn't have an outlet for her 'anxiety'

You see, unlike me, who when taken by my emotions, turns them inwards and hurts myself, she loves to smear hers all over everyone around her. It is exhausting. I cry about it when she isn't looking.

POINT AND CASE

I didn't stop doing chores yesterday, not once unless I was eating or drinking. I did it all. The laundry, the dishes, the cleaning and organizing of our entire downstairs and main floor. I did this to prepare our residence for the purchase of a new sofa which I pick up today.

What did she do? Made dinner. That was nice. Minded the children about as much as I did. Went grocery shopping. All in all a fair division of tasks. She helped me with a few big furniture moves and we did pretty well most of the day.

UNTIL

She starts getting mad at the children for crying about something or another after my youngest of 6 returns a half dozen times to whine and pout over some perceived slight. Now he knows that I'll interject when she blows up at them with a calm placating tone to remind her when she is getting cross with the kids.

So he scuttles off after disturbing her in the toilet by crying through the crack and she comes out pants half down yelling at me. I don't entertain that shit so of course they don't come to me about it. No logic wasn't the correct response. I see you are upset and …. No being reasonable isn't working either... Now listen, I just sat down; I am not ignoring you. I am clearly speaking to you... Dammit no logic, remember?... What can I do to help you right now? Okay, getting control he back on the rails. Wait... God no.

THE PISS

After taking the piss for about 25 minutes I convince her that she would rather be taking a nap upstairs than talking to me. I'd offered her a pill which she declined so I took it. After it kicked in she lost herself all akimbo about it and wandered off to rest after what I can assume was her biggest exercise of the day.

Why she needs to emotionally dump, instead of internalizing it and self harming like me, is something only a trained professional can root out. It seems pretty clear that her toxicity has caused me long term issues and it is going to wreck our children bigtime. How can I deal with her?

If I do nothing I get pissed on. If I do literally everything, I get pissed on. I have given her 2 necklaces this week, got her flowers once and taken her out for dinner once and lunch twice.

What the hell can I do with a woman who is so ungrateful for her life that if I don't spend every waking moment preening over her needs she throws a fit?

HER BIG REASON

The house is dirty. No joke. A dirty house while I am moving furniture out and around. Big shocker that I cleaned and steamed the floors, mopping them and everything. I made up everything better but it wasn't good enough for ol' ball buster wife, oh fucking no.

So in summation what have I learned: If I do nothing and provide nothing, get in a fight. Do everything and provide everything, get in a fight.

What exactly are my motivations to stay? Why should I care one iota about this place? It is driving me fucking insane. I'm medicated. She just immediately presses my buttons to get a response. I have intermittent explosive disorder. So you realize how hard it is for me to remain impassive when she slaps my go button repeatedly?

As soon as I step one millimetre out of line? I get my ass snatched in a bear trap. Oh the fucking indignity, everything I've ever dealt with in the past come vomiting out and how much I owe her for all those times she didn't get to work on herself because I was busy getting traumatized in the hospital.

Mmmmmmmmmm

Mmmmmmmmmmm

Getting worked up here. Easy to do that.

Grab some of my crystals. Holding them now.

Stay away from the dark.

Nevermind. I'm going to have a good day. I'm just overtired. Only sleeping like 3 hours a night.

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