A few days can certainly shift your perspective on things. I'm calm now; very calm. If I think really carefully I can nearly see everything at once, it has become so simple and ordinary. The laughable nature of my prior concerns only become muted when I realize they were actual concerns until yesterday.
You see, my friends; my dear wife had me arrested for assault. To be clear, I deserved what I got, but it was hardly much to call home about. Her reasons were sound enough and the red marks on her wrist told enough of a story for the police to come knocking on my door. I never hit her of course, I'm not a monster.
I was not there however, since I had already turned myself in at the hospital. Alas the ripe inpatient unit, heavy with the weight of young fertile nurses was not my destination this day. No, my new 24 hour home was at the local walla, or if you prefer, plain old jail.
Locked in a 4 by 7 for 24 hours netted me a lovely perspective, along with a slightly bruised right hip. Did you knock a metal shelf can make a surprisingly comfortable bed? It can indeed, so long as you stretch what the definition of comfort is a little.
No being berated for existing, instead I was being offered water and food at regular intervals, could this be the heaven I was told of? And the dreams! Such fever dreams and easily discernible ones to boot! I can't tell you how both comfortable and grateful I was for this loss of freedom. With no choice before you except patience and waiting, you can have immense freedom of mind.
For the first time in a month I slept, and it wasn't at all uncomfortable. I was released into my families care and am now out in the country. I slept in a feather bed last night which has satin sheets. Let me tell you, the collapse of my marriage seems easy and even trivial after sleeping in satin sheets.
What now is the condition of life and what is of real matter? Nothing. It can all be gone or all be here. You can choose it all or choose nothing. Anywhere in between is the cost you ask and you shall pay. Money, jewels and crowns are all momentary and fleeting. The experience of them is all we have to take with us. As you'll likely not have the experience of being in jail or prison, allow me to share a tidbit for you.
I am still somewhat ill from the sickness; some bastard child of the flu and a cold all at once. I was so hungry in that cell, and thirsty, when that first meal hit I ate my small amount and was thankful. Truly and honestly; without reservation or comparing, I was just glad. When police rushed the cell next to mine and took away all the other guys things and brought me a water, I was grateful again.
I could not wipe the smile from my face, it felt so good to have barely anything and still be seen and respected and considered. I was offered my pills, asked about my health, told the time, updated on my release. It was beautiful. Sublime. Like a clear crisp note from a bell, hanging in the air for impossibly long. A foghorn which never seems to end on a deep misty night. It was perfect.
So my altercation with my wife was essentially unavoidable. I have, for too long, imagined us repairing our issues. Sadly it will not be so, but I will come out in a place where I am supposed to be. Unfolding through this high drama is part of the letting go process, one last real slap in the face to get myself organized and moving in the correct direction.
Speculating what my wife thinks about it is almost amusing at this point. I'll be blamed once again, despite her obvious involvement, but that is a story for another day, not one to be written before hand. I'll take the high road in this matter. It is clear to me that money and ownership are relative anyway. We can't keep any of this when we go. All we keep is how we experienced it and what are feelings are about it.
This has opened so many possibilities for me, I feel so free. I share this with you to let you know for certain how much change can sneak up on you. It will not be where you expect, but if you allow it to be when it does arrive and not fight it, you will find it to be just what you need.
More to come. All the best.
