Beginnings

I've only just started my day, but I think I've started it right. I have met someone new. I think special? I'm trying not to get a head of myself but I can tell there is mutual interest. I haven't had a lot of that recently. What's really strange, is that connecting with her has elevated my connectivity with others also? I'm a bit more affectionate and engaging with my mother, laughing more with my dad. It's just a general uplifting feeling of simple betterment.

I have been trying to reach out using online dating sites to look for singles in my area. I'm just reaching out using my writing and trying to find people to relate with. I had been doing well connecting with old friends and even an old flame or two, but I could tell it was a little more politeness in those interactions that genuine interest. At least in regards to romance.

Anyhow, like I had expressed, this new woman I connected with almost immediately met my energy and began reflecting a similar sort of timid hesitant desire as I had, as if we both were unsure but hopeful? A good portion of my day was communicating and talking with her. I felt very strong reciprocation almost immediately and we escalated over the course of the entire day, our communicating, until we fell asleep texting at past 1am;

I have NEVER done that. Then she hits ME with the good morning text. I'm almost distracted right now! Anyways, perspective. This is exactly what is wrong with me. I'm too lonely and hurt to have myself injured again by a hasty choice. I can't let myself be exposed too quickly for fear of it causing fear… I also don't want to lie about myself either, so you see my dilemma; Do I mask myself and risk attracting the wrong someone, or do I just let it all hang out and let myself be loved for who I am?

I think I'll just be myself and let the experience unfold without myopically over thinking it. I really just want to have a person to share myself with on the day to day basis and be our own special thing. I actually like living with other people and having their activities add to my day. I miss my kids and the presence of children in the house, I miss cleaning up and even being exasperated at a toilet which is constantly unflushed!

As you all have probably seen from my writings, I'm a quiet person who spends a lot of time reading and being alone in my own mind. I have shared with you so much about myself and my lessons, that you might all know me better than my own family does! I don't know if my choices are always right, but things are pointing me in this direction.

My return to work has been particularly harrowing in this respect: I had been eyeing nearly EVERY woman on the job and day dreaming about having someone of my own. This new connection could very well be an manifestation of that. The universe wants me to be happy and this could be the moment it comes true for both her and I.

I guess the only real choice is to pursue things with a respect and dignity; I need to meditate, keep myself level headed and remain solid in my own activities and my own life. I should integrate slowly and make only changes which are comfortable and meaningful for me, with total consideration of what new aspects my new potential partner wants in her life.

The real dilemma is sorting out desires and needs. I don't want to shove a new partner into the mold of my old partner. I just don't want a mold at all! I crave the authenticity which was lacking in my marriage. I think now I value communication and emotional understanding more than ever before.

I've always thought of myself as an open book, well; its more true than ever. I have already told her about this blog and invited her to read it. Being honest and open about what she is getting into seems the best and most transparent way to move forward on this. Was this a step too far? I don't know, but I am confident in myself no matter what happens. I must believe that my life is exactly my own, and on my own terms will it be.

The value you've all added to my life by participating in my circle is great; if you have any ideas of how I can be more intelligent or receptive or supportive  partner, please let me know. I just want to do this right.