I didn't post anything for the past few days, most of my writings have been pretty dark and I didn't really want to share it. I have gone off my meds; I felt that needing to have a nap twice a day wasn't really serving me. It went well, though I did have some dark thoughts. I had my kids with me and it sort of turned things around. It was nice to see them, they don't really understand what is going on with the whole separation thing. They would have stayed tonight, but my oldest wanted to play his video games and I didn't want to force him to stay.
I felt good being with them and I was a little more active than I had been. Having them around got me hanging out with my parents and the kids more. I got outside and played some games with them too, which was nice. I wish they would have stayed another day, but maybe it was for the best. I am on my own path here and coming to terms with so much all at once has left me a little strange.
I follow my own way, and I know that leaves me caught in my own head a lot. I have so much to work out internally that this time I have to myself is important. I need to put aside my worries as a matter of habit. It's a bad routine that I've fallen into and internalizing all that strife has changed me. I'm not living in the same situation and I can come back from this loss.
I can launch myself out of my parents basement at 42 years old and find myself a nice place to live. I can fix it up and make it good for my kids. I can do all of this without folding and giving up, that is the main thing; moving past the external referral which whispers negativity and suffering. Moving ideas to a place of self referral where my heart and my insides point the way. That is the point of all of this; living existence, all of it is to prove to the universe that we are able and worthy of being here.
Everything is a test and each moment we rise to the challenge of being we make the universe glad. We are the ones who can become aware of ourselves and in doing so we take a small portion of the vast awareness of the entire universe into ourselves. I don't know if there is a timeline to it, or if it all exists outside of such a linear concept. All I can do is do the inner work and stay the course, just like everyone else.
We can't judge one another for falling short, we all get caught up in those internal struggles and the external expectations of those existing with us. We all experience the complexities of the human condition together, be it in this moment or across time; just as you and I are now. You're reading this in your own time, as I have written it in mine; a complete circle. Imperfect, perhaps, but complete. If we do it all correctly, in our own time if we allow ourselves to improve a single small amount, it has all been worth it.
In the hardest of times, wrapped up in our own self and ignorant of the bigger larger cosmic abyss which hangs before us, we must take heart to see beyond our small selves. In this insignificant seeming life, we can unfold into something deeper and more profound than the scope of everything we will experience in our entire lives. If we just take that special step into ourselves, as humble as we may be and accept our place within the vast unknowable extent of the universe. If we knowingly and with an open heart simply allow this mystery to unfold and press forward; Always forward. With present minded awareness and love of self we can make it. Together we can lift one another and remind each other of this monumental gift which is life.
Take heart and know that we are all part of the same source. A universal cosmic reason for which energy manifested us for a purpose. To live, to honor ourselves and those who share life with us; now. Here. In this special moment of time. This edge of eternity which we ride, continually forward, this present moment. We've been given rare abilities which we can use for such immense good; When we come into our own power and move beyond the trappings of pettiness and our own selves. We just need to get out of the way and let our inner senses guide us.
