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Beginnings

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Coffee in hand while I type. Strange the ventilation system just came on; I find that funny sometime, when I notice it. I like to think that I'm just so sensitive to everything that even a soft hum of an air conditioning unit being turned on can make a huge difference to me. This coffee is two days old and it is amazing. I truthfully am wishing it just always brewed like this. It reminds me of the time I ate some fruit which had been in the fridge for a few days; actually it had been weeks. I thought it tasted a little stingy, sharp maybe? Yeah it had fermented itself into a strong alcohol so I got drunk at work. Best day ever. When the world shuts itself down I want to at least have my jailhouse fruit salad to fall back on. That would be just fantastic.

 

So my father made it through his surgery without dying. I felt that was a good turn on him. He deserves a couple more years. Now that I am out here It makes good sense that he have his surgery and rest up while I take over things for him. He is a very action oriented guy who will be mentally bothered by resting and healing. Lucky for him that I am here and am really good at healing, albeit from most of the emotional scars thrust upon me in my youth, so of them even by him, but I digress. Now is my chance to show myself how kind I can be to a man who perhaps didn't show enough restraint when I was younger.

 

I really am my fathers son in a lot of big ways, but I am different too. Sadly my children were exposed to some really upsetting stuff so I hope we can all move past it eventually. Just like I am now with my dad and the tough stuff that went on in my developing years. Things that sent me through years of drug abuse and relapse and therapies and eventually to this moment, where I find myself once again under his roof, in his protection, such as it is. It has led me to a new way of managing it which is really helpful for me in a few ways:

 

The first, seems to me the most obvious, we are living together and have some common goals. His ambitions and projects are mine also because of proximity. We can work together to do tasks unlike when I was a child and just got in his way. So that is healing for us both. I can be part of the tasks now. Secondly, I can show my empathy and grace during the hard times when he is in pain or feeling like things aren't getting done fast enough for him, I can remind him these things take time and we can try to be understanding of that.

 

It'll be good. I feel like all this time off I've been on since December has helped me in a lot of indirect ways. My marriage fell apart finally, it was too bad I needed to be charged with a crime for it to happen. Also, I've come to face my own difficulties and pains regarding that; which, I might add, was a nearly entirely neutral event. The elation I felt was evened out by the pain of loss. It felt like two energies simply cancelled one another out. It was big though, and I was stuck in the center of those huge forces.

 

I wonder if there is a connection between me being as sick as I was leading up to the event which caused it all to kick off… To me it seems relevant, the only person who can argue it is myself so why not just let myself believe? Besides, you can't have 'Believe' without a 'Lie' in the middle. Little word game there for you; I always liked words.

 

The dishes have been piling up in the sink since my mom and dad left. It's funny, I'll cook someone a dinner and clean up if I know they'll be around, but not for myself. I'd rather not do it and just pick around the dishes for a day or two. As long as there is space and it doesn't stink of course. I'm not an animal, though sometimes I can be a bit beastly.

 

I saw some wild turkeys this morning antagonizing the sandhill cranes. The tom, or male turkey, was flaring his tail and a few of the hens had grouped up and were moving in on the cranes. I put them out a can of corn on the other side of the house every second day so they make their rounds  pretty regularly. We've got no hunting on the property either, so these aren't birds I'm fattening up or anything; We just like to see them come around and exist in the space.

 

Last summer a small junco, a type of sparrow, flew into a window and knocked itself out. I saw it happen while I was outside and checked it out. I sat with it in my hand for about twenty minutes before it was able to fly to a nearby tree. It was really stunned. When it initially woke up I think it thought it was in a nest because it nuzzled down into my hand and appeared to be sleeping. After about five minutes of this it became more alert and started looking around and at me. It was drifting in and out of awareness as I continued to observe it. Soon it made its move and it flew away to a branch of a tree not far from where I was sitting. Then it observed me. It remained on that branch until it was gone, I missed it leaving, but it spent another twenty minutes sitting there at least.

 

I like to think sometimes that I was that bird. That I was the one who was held and that I recovered and moved on with my life. I think in many ways, we are all just fragile little birds who flit and fly our way though life, scratching at the earth and making a small nest to hopefully make more little birds. We aren't so different, you know. Sometimes we need to eat rocks and we will get drunk on fermented fruit if the opportunity comes up.

 

I dreamt last night my wife and I were arguing again. It was nice to wake up and realize that it was just a dream. It did remind me also that I need to cool it with her. I don't need to change her or even talk with her beyond a wholesome discipline. It is much easier to imagine my life without constant contentions. If I can just let my guard down instead of automatically getting defensive I think I'll be on the right path. These negative routines I've picked up and the swirling dance I play when it comes to her has always been a turmoil of tango and less a stately waltz. I love a good tango, but why not waltz sometimes?

 

I've been listening to a lot of classical music lately and I've got to say, I am enjoying it very much. I blasted it while doing a puzzle last night for an hour and it was as if I just knew what pieces were going where. I could see the colors and shapes so easily. I'm just going to listen to it all day and see how it goes. Very helpful for doing that puzzle I'll tell you that.

 

I've been thinking about the people who use our message boards and forums. I guess I like the idea of a small group of people asking questions and being available for one another. It makes me glad to contribute. Just writing and adding something to the process seems a small thing, but maybe it will resonate with someone even if I myself miss the lesson at first. Has that ever happened with you? I feel sometimes my words coming back to me which I had forgotten and only afterwards do I remember the original utterances. Almost like reliving the same moment again because I didn't remember it the first time.

 

Anyhow, coffee is done and I am off the do some more trail making before it rains. You all be good.

IA56

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We all need to begin somewhere. I like to think that since w...

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