Another court date tomorrow, and I've yet to receive my required documentation. I will likely have another continuance, but here we are again; needing to be patient and contained. I'd say I'm an expert by now, though I know we all have our triggers; I've no shortage of those.
After I'm done writing this I'll phone my work representative to accept the modified work position they have for me starting next week. I can always ask for a day off to attend court for whatever day is decided in a few weeks. Though I do feel trepidatious, moving forward with my work will be of great benefit for me; of that I am sure.
Still, there is something a little galling about being funneled into a system which manages these things, and finding their rules enforcement involves pressing for additional time continually. It feels a lot like my past where I lost my temper and was subject to protracted antagonism at work by management years ago. I feel this lesson was learned already for me, and this is perhaps a gentle reminder of that.
Anyways, even though it is all pending it does feel completed already. I've moved on and it’s the system that is taking time to catch up.
Yesterday I read my book quite a bit; It is one of those heavy reads on spiritual matters and I find myself getting tired and needing a nap after reading for a long time. Its like my body and mind need rest to absorb the lessons I'm reading about more deeply. I may need to choose myself a pulp title for my return to work, I'd hate to tire myself out on a break with such an engaging read! I do love a good book though, something that pulls you in so deeply is a real experience to me; something worthwhile.
Although I have not been alone, my time living with my parents without the obligation of work has felt like a bit of an isolation. It has been a healthy detox for me; bringing my tension down and leaving my old life behind. I'm not sure the spaces I inhabited before were very healthy for me, and I don't blame my wife for the collapse.
Remembering that it takes two people to create a dynamic, I can easily see that her abuse of me was likely from a form of covert narcissism, and my reactions were textbook. I feel almost like we trained each other to respond how we did with more and more bombastic revelations as time went on. I certainly lack for no guilt, as we both played our part, but while I was always the one paying the price of counselling and hospital stays, she remained clean in that respect. I was continually pressed into reactionary responses and it was held up as proof of my culpability. I came out as the bad person and the one who needed to be fixed, and she would always be the one victimized. If it wasn't for my final reaction of elevating things into physicality, we would still be yelling at one another and living that tired old cycle.
I'm glad its over to; like I'd mentioned before, we had been fighting for so long that I believe I drifted away from true love for her long ago. It was only out of obligation to my duties as a husband and the vows I took with marriage that held me as long as it did. Now that the covenant is broken, I'm free and feeling so much better. If I may, I'll add that I don't resent her or blame her for anything. I am at peace that we simply have learned what was required of one another. Our relationship will need to continue for the sake of our children, but it will be changed from this time forward.
Although my living situation is different than I imagined it to be, I feel reborn in so many ways. Without the daily oppression and hurt piled on me through daily arguments and built up tensions I've really turned a corner. It's like I'm a balloon which is floating skyward without a string to hold me back. I feel like I'm a train that has disconnected itself from it's cars and is finally moving forward without the weight of a heavy load.
I've broken through the clouds and am rising up into the clearest blue sky with vision that goes for hundreds of miles. I wish this for everyone. I wish every person on the planet had this. The release; The updraft of thermals that finally serve you instead of the downdrafts we need to fly against. I think of you and know it is within you to be more with less. Sever those ties that don't serve you and be free. I have spoken.
