Beginnings

Early morning; Got a party today. I think it will go well. I'm doing my best to not get myself lost into my own stuff today.

Had a nice dinner yesterday even with my reservations about going out. I was pleased with our seating because it isolated me and created a good venue for us to sit and be quiet.

Cali's sister Cass talked to me about her own experiences a bit and her own energy work which includes some native American practices like smudging and offering tobacco.

It was a good chat and she even talked about removing bad energy and being able to release it elsewhere. She referenced her cats doing that for her too, and she discussed familiars and all other manner of esoteric stuff.

It is interesting to me that this all came up because I was going to share a bit about the healing which some people at Joe Dispenza seminars had. You see, she has been plagued by a back injury for years, much like my own, but far worse. She has endured multiple surgeries, and serious repeated injury too. I had been thinking about her.

When I first met her she was twice the size of my wife, and twice as angry; I am not the most social of creatures so you see where this is going. I'd noticed as her back condition worsened she was motivated to loose weight and I had always just assumed that was all that had changed.

She surprised me by extolling a couple virtues which I did care about and we talked a lot over dinner. Anyhow, a real nice time. I invited my only friend in the world as backup because I was worried and we chatted too, but I feel like I may have been alright either way...

Anyhow, I have a lot to think about. I was feeling relatively good when I got home, not at all down or closed. It took my wife less that 5 minutes to start in on me. It was like she was a fucking predator, she asked me a question while I was typing an email and it took me a moment to formulate a response for her and turn towards her. By the time I had said a single sentence and turned towards her she shot me in the chest with both barrels.

It was surreal. I just impassively listened and tried to explain I was engaged with my email at the time she asked and was redirecting my attention, but the excuse was enough for her to smell blood in the water and she started on me. I stopped speaking and simply listened and waited. Once she was done I was so confused. This time though, I think I saw something deeper.

I'm so willing to connect with another woman, my neighbour, my sister in law, it just makes me think that whatever dynamic is happening with my wife right now is so dissonant to what I need that we are at a real crossroad her and I.