Worry is like a cloud of flies sometimes. It seems so today. I have nobody to blame but myself, however.
I believe I'm feeling too good for my own safety. I've become too free with my words and am offering too much too soon. I worry that I am pushing the limits of social normalcy and making myself appear ignorant or even creepy.
You see, I started chatting with a lovely woman. We've yet to meet, but we've talked a few times on the phone and it has gone well! I'm worried however that my messages are too much. I can't help but worry my long winded admissions and descriptions of my thoughts and feelings have her regretting her choice to trust me with her identity and inbox.
I would consider it a lesson well learned, but it points to something deeper within myself. Why do I set myself up for failure? Why do I sabotage myself so thoroughly all the time? Am I asking for abuse or am I trying to convince myself that everyone is eventually going to leave me? Do I want to be alone so badly that I actively push them away! I'm killing her with kindness!
I really like this person, but there is a boundary of acceptable sharing which I can't seem to follow. I want to have something special again, and I know we are mutually attracted, but am I overdoing it? Am I gushing too much? Ah, gracious.
I feel I unconsciously want to be rejected to validate all my underlying negative beliefs about myself. All my simmering self loathing and past habits of self harm and addiction scream to be recognized so I'm pushed to the behaviour and feelings I express to come back to the fold. Even if I think at the time I'm only being honest.
I like her. A lot. I am giddy to speak to her, like obsessively so. I recognize it, but I find it hard to stop myself. I'm not this guy who falls in love without meeting someone am I? Have I lost my mind?! My heart was beating so hard talking to her last night I could barely hear her speaking on the phone! My hands were shaking and pulsing to the point of distraction.
How can I let myself be so carried away with the possibility of what might be, over a few chats and phone calls? Am I so wrapped up in my own mind and desire that I can't regulate and be cool? Why am I rushing this? Don't I want to take my time? Am I so sick for companionship I'd risk having it by rushing the process?
I'm so hopeless. I'm like an observer on the emotional seas of life. I am worried about all the wrong things. Maybe she's flattered, maybe I'm saying all the right things too. I don't know. Can a person really fall in love like this? What am I even doing!! Why am I like this?
I need to get myself grounded and get control of myself before I ruin this really good thing.