Beginnings

I slept relatively well and didn't wake up too much. I tried listening to my tapes last night and wonder if they did me any good. It seems a difficult task to stay engaged with when the results are not immediate. I really do try my best to continue and press forward, even with all the difficulties. I suppose there is a rhythm to it, some manner of regularity and that is okay with me. I don't really know what to do, but I've a feeling that matches well with what I feel.

I am attempting to get the life I have sorted out and it makes me sad to be in this circumstance. I try not to over analyze everything, however it is forces its way in very easily. I am confident this will all pass, but I question what will remain in the future if this all continues.

I know that's vague, but what can I do? It is a reflection of how I am doing and what exactly I'm doing is a mystery to me also.

The difficulty is only mounting and I have serious fears in my heart. I sense a coming storm and I am uncertain if I'll prevail. The disease of uncertainty hovers above me and the threat of it all descends  with painful slowness, crushing and milling out my essence into the smallest of parts.

Under another grey sky I can't help but feel the drain and it is reaching the depths of me. Soon there will be nothing left. Soon I will be undone and removed from the equation. What then, I wonder, will remain? Something will be left, some small bit surely. Should I allow this dismemberment to continue? Should I fight back and wail and grieve? I just don't know what is right anymore. I am uncertain and feel as it all has not meaning.

These lessons are too difficult.