Welcome to May; Today has it is raining.
I've been unreactive today, very mellow. I require a little quietude in my life. I wonder where the time will take me on this day.
I drew the nine of swords in my Tarot today, so I'm not expecting much. Trying to remain open and available to the opportunities that come up for me.
It has been a few weeks since I've seen or spoken with my children, you'd think my wife would put them on the phone to call my mother at least. I am prohibited from calling them or her so I'm in a position of waiting.
Same thing with my work. I am stuck waiting for the doctors to organize their needs and I need to be the calm center.
When you are diagnosed mentally ill with explosive anger and anxious distress, you try and stay calm. When you have brain damage from birth and childhood traumas you stay calm. It is like my entire life is a test of my ability to control myself while being pushed towards oblivion. Shouldn't I get mad about these things? Is anger not a normal response?
It might be normal, but I'm caught in the circumstance of not being normal. Instead I need to not be normal. I need to be very abnormal. I am expected to swallow an increasing amount of exposure which amplifies my reactivity. Why? I'm assuming to test me. See when I crack.
All things being equal, I'd rather not be put through such a gambit. They pressure me by withholding my disability payment, while taking their time deciding if I can go back to work or not. It has been over a month of waiting for notes from these doctors to get sorted out. I should be stressed to the limit.
No money. A week until my court date. No work. It is all going to fall apart. It might just do it this time. I really question what it all is for. What is the benefit of living like this? Spiritual capital? Learning a lesson? Taking the experience? It's just stressful. No need to get complicated about it. It just is a hard situation which I could easily do without.
Ultimately wishing our lives away isn't going to make things better. Just do your best today, and try to make it happen for you.
