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I hurt myself sometime in the night again. I don't really know when, sometime when I was going to sleep I think.

I'm troubled because not only do I have limited recollection, but I'm just disappointed to not be past it yet. I had felt things are going really well.

At least I had the impression they were. I suppose there is a lot more ground to cover. Perhaps that is the mark of progression; When we can actually see the road before us and know in our hearts that we are along the path, yet far from our desired destination.

The journey is what we must focus on, but the path isn't going to be made known to us until we pass through the eye of the needle. The ever present question becomes one of self delusion or faith; Am I? Vs. I Am.

Is there a bigger reason beyond our own, and do we contribute? It seems like a possibility yet there are forces which negate what we have happening around and for us. Manifest in our minds and our world we can only see a limited distance, and even that is muddled with questioning and doubt.

Remaining bound to the present in constant vigil and awareness is all well and good, but there will always be the mind and body to pull us back. The insidious mind; It leaves us with both great gifts and also huge hinderances. Our focus is so backwards it seems like a circle.

Anyways, my medications were increased after my appointment yesterday. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I realize my doctor is very intelligent and has years of experience doing his diagnosis's; I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that other doctors had burned me in the past.

I don't know. I all feels somewhat hollow somehow.. I don't know...

I had a dream of picking weeds out of my strawberry path yesterday. I was as tall as the weeds were, they were overgrown, but I was also smaller somehow, still able to pull them out.

I was pulling out grasses and dandelions. I can't remember much more, though I know there was something....

I started bass lesson at the local music shop recently. I feel a bit of creativity might just be what I need. A little additional practice. All the practice.

Speaking of practice, my marital arts club is moving. We got a huge penthouse space above the YMCA. It's going to be awesome. I can't wait for it to come alive. I feel that the time has come for great things. I think it has ben waiting for me. You know? Somehow everything has been tipped away from fruition until I stepped forward into the belief in myself further. Now the scales are finally balancing back towards what is right and good.

I have this very profound sense that my own efforts and progression has somehow tilted everyone else in a better direction, like a feather that tips the scale of a trillion pounds.

If only I can absorb the hurt and pain with a true belief. For the good of everyone I need to keep going. If I stop now, then who will do it for them? Who is going to be there at the end, if not me? I know it is silly to think I am the only agent of change in the world, but my view of things gives me the sense that through my own actions I've pressured change and positivity in the best direction possible. I need to keep doing that unless I wobble the scales bad towards something worse for everyone.

In a time of pain and loneliness everyone deserves a bastion of hope and a place of healing. Can that be something I am providing somehow? Just through mindful action and positive thought?

I consider this place, this venue of discourse. These forums; Just as our mutual benefactor has provided this space for us to learn and be, albeit digitally, it is still a protected space that lets us express and even sculpt. At this early stage, it is we few who provide the curiosity and expansion of our little community with involvement and efforts.

Try not to worry then, about our small failing and minor lacking. We are a fractal of something greater and it isn't our perfection to be concerned with so much as our own wholeness, completeness.

Take a few deep drinks of life today and make it worth the time you are here. This life isn't waiting for us to keep up, so don't get left behind in thought too much today.

Adam "chmuroN" Banasiak


We all need to begin somewhere. I like to think that since w...


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