I had a fantastic date last night. Very powerful and emotional; I know it caught us both unexpectedly. We had been chatting for a few days online, and had both danced around our respective personal stresses without going into much detail. You may already be familiar with mine from reading my circle's posts, and I'll keep hers private for respect and the integrity of what I've started with her; I will mention though that she is powerful!
She's fiercely independent and unbridled in defence of herself and the identity she has established in her life. I really like that she is resistant to all forms of manipulation and hyper aware of her surroundings and her place within it. That, and she is really attractive; I'm not kidding when I say this woman is the most physically fit, and able person I've been on a date with, ever. She has this indomitable will that seems to beat around her. She's expressive and speaks with a direct candor which I found haunting and visceral.
When we finally sat down and met, I had no idea it was going to be a conversation of such profound magnitude. As we spoke and glossed initially, it was clear we were both intellectually on the same level and sharing our ideas just as easily as we had been though our messaging; we began to recognize one another's non verbal ques and pushed deeper. We spoke about our jobs and found we shared similar stresses, which led us to the revelation of our feelings about those circumstances.
As we talked and related, we discovered similarities and insights from one another as we shared opinions and empathy; compassion and genuine connection. I disclosed my situation and she, hers; just peeling back our layers of defence and allowed each other to, in turn, hold our vulnerabilities as we trusted each other with these new insights which were pretty greasy. Not going to lie, we're both a little bit flawed and damaged. We each cried a little as we felt, for the first time I think, many of our hidden feelings and fears which we normally deny even ourselves. Somehow we coaxed out personal revelations and missing truths which we would not have come to terms with on our own.
I actually felt us click into one another more deeply a few separate times as we dropped our defenses and opened ourselves up. It was a strange feeling of worry and hope; anxiety and relief; fear and love. As we continued to be with one another, our tension melted and we drew closer energetically. After nearly 3 hours we disconnected and I felt heady, we both redressed ourselves in our intellectual defenses, but something was different. Somehow being in our vulnerable states, which I could tell wasn't normal for either of us in person, had altered us both.
I felt more connected to her than with women I'd had sex with in the past. I still do. I remember our conversation and the raw emotions we exposed for each other. It really was the best date I've ever been on. Even if we go our separate ways, I'll always look back on this as my new standard of how a perfect date could be. I was met at every moment with engagement, and effort and desire and openness and it was clear to me how much I was appreciated and cared about.
I'm very fond of her. What happened between us is new for me. The emotional exposure and the honesty; The consideration and the care which we both took with our words and the trust we both offered each other was so powerful… I just want more of it in my life. I know she does too, she told me as much. We raised our vibration. We clicked progressively more and more. We stood emotionally naked before one another and understood; It was very humbling.
I'm not sure I deserve it. It was so good and so true that I am having a tough time feeling I'm worthy of having a relationship with a person so perfect for me. Part of me wants to disconnect and cover my scars again, isolate and be alone because I'll just get hurt again.. Another part feels so good about it, like it is worth the potential pain. Worth healing together and worth letting this pair bonding happen. I want to trust this process too, as frightening as it is.
At each moment I felt I shared too much, there she was, also sharing a similar experience, pulling me to expose more; She'd tell me a deeper more cutting experience which I'd reassure her about and express empathy towards while sharing an insight about her personal opinion of the subject; allowing her to quiet her own self doubt about that anxiety. We pushed into one another far more deeply that I considered possible for people who had just met. We shared different trials and tribulations and at each moment, cradled one another emotionally in a blanket of safety.
She has unbelievable self control, and many personality flaws which exactly mirror my own. We emotionally matched so deeply I was shocked.
When our date started we hugged in greeting, and also when we parted ways; I can't tell you using words what was different, maybe the way she pushed herself up on her toes, maybe something in our grip… It was closer. It felt like an unspoken promise to meet again, as soon as we are able. I'm not interested in anyone else now, romantically speaking. I've decided I'm going to see this through to whatever conclusion fate has in store for us.
I'm not sure I'd even want to date anyone again if this falls apart. How can I hope to find anything like this again without going through the emotional damage I've had to endure over the past 5 years again? So deep was our initial connection, that I can't imagine having a redo. I don't want one. I only want her to be my penguin.
It was a really good date. Totally perfect. Tears, fears, and serious connection.
