Beginnings

I slept relatively well and didn't wake up too much. I tried listening to my tapes last night and wonder if they did me any good. It seems a difficult task to stay engaged with when the results are not immediate. I really do try my best to continue and press forward, even with all the difficulties. I suppose there is a rhythm to it, some manner of regularity and that is okay with me. I don't really know what to do, but I've a feeling that matches well with what I feel.

I am attempting to get the life I have sorted out and it makes me sad to be in this circumstance. I try not to over analyze everything, however it is forces its way in very easily. I am confident this will all pass, but I question what will remain in the future if this all…

I got to speak with my kids today. I guess they finally missed me enough to ask their mother if they could talk with me. I honestly didn't even know what to say and within a few minutes the call was over, their attention drawn by something else.

I do feel a little better. I guess that a quick call is all they can manage. My oldest talked to me about all the things I don't care about, like hockey and parties I missed. It was nice to hear from him at all. I'm grateful for that small boon today.

Things have been getting worse the past two days for me. Nothing really different, but this afternoon I had sick bowels. It might just be a sign on pending illness, or something more.

A grey sky looms overhead today; A feeling of detachment reigns over me. For so long, confrontation has been forced upon the truth which avails itself around my life. Why? Is it something I did or said? Can nothing be explained or easy? It seems not.

I read Jesse's message today about Sr.'s passing. Lots of us came to the community because of his writings, it seems another harsh body blow to an already tired fighter. This is never going to end.

Acquiring spiritual capital and moving ourselves through this life with poise isn't a simple thing. Being reminded of the suffering we all transition through is a daunting task. We see the passing of one person, we cannot help but compare and think about those before and ourselves now.

Welcome to May; Today has it is raining.

I've been unreactive today, very mellow. I require a little quietude in my life. I wonder where the time will take me on this day.

I drew the nine of swords in my Tarot today, so I'm not expecting much. Trying to remain open and available to the opportunities that come up for me.